Stepping into Clarity

5 March 2024

For 40 odd years I bore a grudge against my dad over the way he treated my grandmother during one of her clinic visits.

In my teenage years, wheelchairs were not a regular sight like they are in Singapore now. To spare her some walking, my dad borrowed a pick up truck to take my grandmother for her treatment. And as if the logistical challenge was not enough, the clinic was on the second floor of a shophouse.

The shophouse stairs were narrow, and could only accommodate one user safely at a time.

When her clinic visit was over, my dad & I waited at the bottom of the stairs for my grandmother.

I could see my grandmother on top of the stairs struggling to put one foot down after the other while holding on to the hand support for dear life. My dad started yelling at her to hurry up.

Maybe because of high blood pressure & weak legs, the descent was hard for her. The narrow and steep steps might have also affected her vision and threatened her sense of balance.

Yet despite knowing my grandmother’s situation, I was too scared of my dad’s temper to ask him to quit stressing her.

She did finally made it down the stairs safely. Since then, I have a love-hate regard for steep stairs for they link me to her but in an unpleasant one.

And whenever I thought of my dad’s impatience towards her, I got angry with him. But most of all, I was angrier with me for not standing up for my grandma.

Recently at the hospital I witnessed a similar child-parent altercation. This time there was a wheelchair for the elderly father. But the adult son was either upset that they had missed their queue number or the consultation hadn’t taken place at the appointed time.

“You think I don’t have to work, is it?” He yelled, while the medical officer tried to placate the situation.

Like my dad, this man in work uniform must have taken leave to accompany his parent. And maybe like my dad, he might have also borrowed a vehicle for the purpose. And the above stressors would explain how concern for an infirmed parent can easily turn into resentment & harsh words when caregiving duty clashes with keeping a job.

Witnessing the son’s outburst helped me see my dad’s struggle for the first time after so many years.

This realisation may have come a little late, but it feels as if my dad wants me to know that I don’t have to feel angry with him or myself anymore, and there are no more obstacles for my grandma to clear. 😊🙏