Braced for Grace

22-10-24

Learning to walk with a leg brace and going outside on my own for the first time in 45 years. (28-9-24)

“To brace” can mean preparing oneself for challenges ahead. “Brace” as a noun refers to any supportive or strengthening device.

The leg braces (aka calipers) of my childhood were instruments of mental & physical torture.

At 7 years old with my brace on & standing next to our form teacher under the Acacia Tree. (1971)

During primary school days, besides bracing myself for taunts about my leg, there was also the nightly ritual of treating open wounds caused by skin chaffing against metal. Wondering what new injuries would befall me the next day was often my bedtime thoughts.

So at 15, when the doctor gave me permission to walk braceless, I was just so relieved. My dad wouldn’t need to keep spending money on brace & shoes. The abrasions could finally stop & I could bend my knee when seated. I might also be able blend in with the normal girls!

However, 45 years later and a month ago, I finally surrendered to hyperextended knee pains & had to start using a leg brace all over again.

From childhood torture to old age grace.

I was meant to take a week or two to practise walking with the clunky but necessary contraption. However pain forced me to make peace with my brace in 2 days.

On the 3rd day, I had my first trip out with what my yoga teacher described as, “the leg I never had.” A friend offered to send her driver to ease my journey to tuition, but I asked her to send me her prayers instead. ♥️

And true enough, her potent conjuring would raise a kind hearted grab driver to boost my confidence.

When we arrived, the superfit senior in his late 60s escorted me from car to curb and pavement with the elegance of a dancer & the calmness of a sage. 🙏

My current leg brace allows me to bend my knee when at rest, and reduces knee hyperextension. It has also made my handicap more visible.

Neighbours, students and sometimes even strangers looking at my brace will start telling me about their own pain struggles & even remedies. The corrective device that used to be an object of mockery has now become a conversation starter.

Voices soften & eyes turn gentle as we share notes on our collective pains.

Perhaps the brace that draws attention to my deformity has also given a concrete form to the hidden hurts of others, & the permission to speak what they think nobody will understand.

And in our shared narratives of coping without attributing blame or pity, the grace of acceptance follows. 🪔

My need for shoes with specific features to accommodate my limp gives me anxiety about finding replacement. Recently another act of grace was bestowed on me when El, a former student, gifted me this new pair that works too. (18-10-24)

SuperMoon Blessings

20-10-24

Our yoga teacher, Erika Khoo, holds Span the cat for the first time in her life.

The visit on this October full moon to shelter animals is extra special because our yoga teacher had asked to join us. It is her first trip to an animal shelter & the first time she ever held a kitten in her life.

When we arrived, the feline PR team at Mettacats & Dogs Sanctuary wasted no time in turning on their furry charm offensive.

Little Red (Xiaohong), survivor of abandonment & vaccine reactions gives Marcus a welcoming nuzzle.

Soon, our deep purple clad yoga teacher was knee deep in adoring eyes & fluffy ears that twitched at the cadence of human speech.

In return the teacher of homo sapien alignment gazed in amazement at the perfectly symmetrical markings on Hermit, the mackeral tabby, & the flawless landing of Toesie, the white cat, on a strip of arm rest about the width of a tissue paper folded in half.

Despite having extra toes on each foot, Toesie the white cat can land on narrow spaces perfectly.

Not to be outdone by his shelter buddies, Asher, the siamese strutted about at my teacher’s feet to show off his chonky form and sepia powdered ear tips and paws.

Asher is up for adoption. Please contact MettaCats & Dog Sanctuary for advice & details.

The chinese word for leisure is written as 閒 or 閑. One character features a moon 月 and the other wood 木. Each is framed by a door 門. Leisure can be understood as standing by one’s door to gaze at the Moon or the Woods (trees).

Despite months of intensive yoga teaching & busy housekeeping, our teacher wanted to spend her rare day of rest to understand love for animals.

That day behind the shelter door, a silence fell upon us like a comfy embrace as our eyes feasted on the sure footed grace of animals & the perfect love of their human keepers. 🙏

Marcus’ latest heart warmers Spick & Span, 2 kittens rescued from Changi Airport.

Pema on Full Moon

17-9-24 (Harvest Moon)

5 stalks of Lotus on the table next to ours. Number 5 is associated with grace & completeness in old cultures.

Today at Tekka Market Food centre for lunch, my mind was on a cat undergoing spaying at the veterinary clinic even as we ate.

I had named her Pema when asked for a name during the booking procedure. “Pema” in Tibetan means Lotus Flower.

As I was wondering if Pema would be all right, a spritely silvered haired woman sat down at the table next to ours, after placing a bunch of lotuses on hers.

We began a conversation when my lunch mate included her in our beverage order.

When our orders came, she paid for all of us, praising my friend for his kindness.

After I told her about Pema’s surgery, she pointed at the 5 stalks of lotus flowers on her table, smiled & said, “See, all will be fine. Be at peace.” 😄

Later on in the afternoon, the vet called to say Pema’s surgery went well. She had woken up & while in cage rest, charmed everyone by extending her paw for high fives. 🙏

May the Harvest Full Moon grant us the clarity to see grace, abundance & completeness in ourselves so that we may see them in others.

5 butter lamps to welcome the Harvest Moon. 🙏

Tender Thursday: Acceptance

11-7-24

Between the ages of 7 & 15, a big portion of my dad’s pay went to getting my surgical shoes & aluminium calipers.

I contracted childhood poliomyelitis when I was 10 months old. It left me with a permanent limp on my left leg.

Money was tight, but not once did he complain about how I was depleting resources.

When it was time to be in school & mix with clean limbed kids, my dad reminded me that because I walked differently from them, I would never be able to match their speed. Therefore I had to accept my slowness & not compare myself with others.

My Primary One class photo under the Acacia Tree where I spent many happy hours watching my friends play.

He was a pragmatic parent who knew kids at that age crave to belong. Recess time games could be cruel on a child with limited mobility.

When I got older, he also specified that I had to earn my keep by developing real skills & not expect others to foot my bills. I guess it was his clumsy way of telling me not to expect a man to take care of me.

I took my dad’s advice seriously and studied to become a teacher of English.

Although I didn’t like what my dad said at that time, his words have kept me from a lifetime of feeling sorry for myself.

Customised shoes & insoles to ease the strain of imbalance gait.

Although I couldn’t run around like my friends, I became a keen observor of body language by watching their playground antics, triumphs & defeats.

Although I can’t keep pace with many activities these days, there is no panic.

My dad might have known early on that regardless of what he could give me, I still had to face the world by myself & walk my own path.

So he taught me acceptance, which is the beginning to tenderness & freedom from attributing blame or seeking compensation.

Contemplative Tuesday:In Praise of Black on *Chokor Duchen

9-7-24

Today at the Metta Cats & Dogs Sanctuary, Tam Tam the black cat came trotting to me when called. He hopped onto the bench I was sitting on and stood up on his hind legs so that he could put his face against mine.

No spectacle obstacle can keep off Tam Tam’s tenacious tenderness.

I wasn’t holding out any treats. We hadn’t met since March.

It takes some effort for a 4 legged animal to go on 2 legged so that he can put his paws on your shoulder.

The vilifications of black coated animals have caused much sufferings to them and even justify their abuse.

Yet Tam Tam’s blackness provides a contrast for his lighter coated siblings to be seen. He has also learnt to recede quietly into the background when he’s not called.

Tam Tam carries a colour that is both kind & generous. For black can cover a multitude of flaws when they’re not ready to be overcome. And black also provides the backdrop that allows other colours to shine.

While interacting with other cats, I’ve caught this ebony boy just sitting like a statue & watching me with his loving yellow eyes.

In my understanding, good luck or bad luck, auspicious or not, may depend on the size of our heart & the depth of our mind. A small heart amplifies a threat while a narrow mind multiplies a flaw.

Today is also Chokor Duchen a Tibetan Buddhist Festival that celebrates Buddha’s first teachings.

May we cultivate our heart & mind so that bad luck can turn good, & obstacles can become opportunities, for our benefit & the benefit of all sentient beings.🙏♥️

Frida Wannabe

21-6-24 (Summer Solstice)

In my world, there can never be too much sweetness or too many flowers.

I share two traits with Mexican painter, Frida Kahlo. We both contracted childhood polio and we both hated our affected legs. Frida covered her right leg by wearing long skirts, while I cover my left leg by wearing flowers.

Frida painted flowers so that they would not die. I wear flowers because they help me face life.

Whether to live just for a day or a week, Flowers remind me to bloom my best. Whether admired or mocked, Flowers say we gotta look fabulous!

Although her paintings were not exhibited, her energies were carried in the richness of her colours.

At the lotus shaped Art Science Museum, my 2 companions in their Sweet Seventies put me on a wheel chair and rolled me around to see Frida’s life. 😄🙏

My Sweet Seniors who may have seen it all, but everything is new to them.

May the thought of this senior Frida Wannabe and her friends chortling away while awashed in every Frida colour imaginable, bring a smile to bloom like a flower on you.

Happy Summer Solstice to All Sentient Beings. 🙏

Fathers’ Presence

16-6-24 (Father’s Day)

Around my 60th birthday I dreamt of my dad. In the dream he was working in a garden when I approached him. I showed him a dog I was cradling in my arms. He smiled approvingly.

Dad and me in my 30s at Westlake Restaurant in Farrer Rd.

In my childhood my dad taught me to pick up chicks, ducklings and rabbits gently so as not to hurt them. My maternal grandfather taught me to hold my fountain pen steadily & with just enough pressure when I’m writing to protect the nib.

With Shoya in early 2000s at our old home.

As I get older, these childhood experiences guide me to handle what I love, be it an object or a living being, with a light touch, so that I don’t spoil them & they don’t possess me.

In the dream it started to drizzle and the sky was darkening. I got into my dad’s truck so he could send me home. The dog in my arm started to whimper when the truck rumbled.

We decided it was best that I walked. As I started walking, dogs from all corners starting appearing & wagging their tails at me.

I turned around excitedly to look back at my dad to check if he had seen them too.

He nodded to show he did. Then he waved me onwards like he used to whenever I visited & it was time to leave. Only this time he wasn’t waving me towards the elevator, but onto a brightly lighted gravel path.

I think our fathers are always with us. 😊

Thoughtful Thursday: Starting Right

23-5-24

Oliver welcoming my first Himalayan singing bowl on 8 Dec 2018.

When the cats were here, I began my day with changing their water bowls & replenishing their kibbles. It was usually followed by incense & butter lamp lighting. In their final months, their medical needs directed my mantra recitations.

Each morning my cats, Oliver & Emmanuel led me towards the altar where Compassion represented by Avalokithesvara & Wisdom represented by Ganesha sit.

I’m still processing their absence. And now in their memory, I begin my day by paying attention to my heart & breath.

When I started doing that, gifts that promoted physical, emotional & spiritual well being from female elders started coming my way. They were a yoga chair to strengthen my standing, a hand carried meditation cushion bought 10 years ago in Rishikesh, India to facilitate my sitting and a newly printed book from its UK author to aid my spiritual evolution.

Gifts of yoga chair & meditation cushion from Wise Women.

A few days before yesterday’s full moon, a younger friend gave me a book on words that console, and another on embracing impermanence.

On Vesak Day morning, as I listened to a mantra on compassion I received a call which allowed me to share my understanding of wounds, medicine, & mending.

Much like the teenage footballers whom I used to mentor who always entered the soccer field with their right foot, I’m a believer in starting the day right.

Yesterday I was beyond grateful to begin a high holiday by offering words of assurance and healing, just like how I used to offer sustenance & hugs to my cats & dog. ♥️😊

Starting right includes choosing to be kind instead of right.

From Shabby to Chic

21-5-24 (Vesak Day Eve)

Drawing of Ganesh adorns the box of handmade sweets I received in 2016.

“Madame, please buy it. It’s very nice!” gushed the indian shop assistant. His lady boss at their grocery shop looked on sternly.

The mass produced laddoo being promoted was sealed in plastic wrapping. I could see it had been tossed about quite a bit. I wasn’t even sure if it was still edible, much less tasty.

A laddoo is a bright saffron colored spherical sweet made from flour, sugar, ghee & dry fruits. It is presented as snacks and offerings for celebratory & hindu religious purposes.

Taking Indian sweets with unsweetened massal tea makes me feel like a rani.

Having been exposed to freshly made indian sweets since I was a kid, and as an adult, tasted delightful morsels sold by weight, I’m somewhat of a sweet snob.

Years of savouring sweets sold by weight have made me into a sweet snob.

But what if the shop assistant needed me to buy THAT laddoo in order to show his boss that he was a good employee?

When I agreed to add that tired & slightly toxic looking golf ball sized sweet onto my grocery purchase, the shop assistant beamed in delight while his boss’ face opened like a flower in wonderment.

“You mean you would buy this laddoo from him just because he asked you to?” She clarified, amazed.

“Of course! He’s so enthusiastic about the laddoo. No harm giving it a chance,” I chortled.

Back home as I placed the shabby
*prasad at *Ganesha’s feet, I apologised for the way it looked, & promised I would get him nicer ones next time.

The next day I had no heart to toss out the laddoo. It was food after all, even if it didn’t meet my standard.

So I took a little bite. And it was the tastiest laddoo I’ve ever eaten! As expected, I single-handedly polished off the whole prasad in one sitting. 😄

On this eve of celebrating compassion & wisdom, may our heart & mind stay open to little acts that can sweeten our life and the lives of others in unexpected ways. 🙏

*prasad – offerings in sanskrit language
*Ganesha – elephant headed hindu diety associated with wisdom & possibilities.

My interest in sweets causes me to leave sweets for the housekeepers who take care of the rooms I stay when I travel.

Hari Raya Moments

10-4-24

On Hari Raya morning, after prayers at the mosque, First Tutee and his Grand Uncle dropped by my home.

Grand Uncle & First Tutee on Hari Raya morning after prayers at the mosque. (10 April 2024)

They brought coffee & cake too. 😊

Listening to a pre-teen speak animatedly about his new friends and being in the secondary school basketball team without either of us looking at our phones felt almost sacred.

“See, see! So paiseh!” First Tutee chuckled at the video of his fall on the basketball court.

The only time he checked his phone was to show me a video of him during a match. “So paiseh!” He chuckled good naturedly about tripping on the court.

“Maybe you come & watch me play in the next match?” He suggested. “But it’s in the stadium,” his voice trailed off.

Before they left for the day’s activities, First Tutee took some pictures from the window which he used to sit at before he entered primary one.

Kitty watches over the boy who used to spell, draw & color by the window as he becomes a teenager in a couple of months. (2018)

Hari Raya means Day of Celebration in the Malay Language. Here on our little island where our children & youth of various backgrounds can grow, learn & play together safely is truly worth celebrating.

So here’s to many more rayas ahead as we protect the peace that has been carefully nurtured by our forefathers over the years. 🙏

First Tutee insisted on this pose to show how tall he had grown.

*paiseh – singlish meaning “embarrassing.”